Have carbs in the house, but not too much hot chocolate - lessons from a first-time foster carer

​'My first time as a carer, their first time in care – my goodness, how was this going to work out?'  That was the thought going round and round in my head as I waited, in the middle of the night, for my first placement to arrive. 

I’d been approved at panel just a few weeks earlier to become a respite carer.  I work full time in the city but am able to flex my time as and when. The plan is to be available at weekends for emergency placements, while a longer term plan is made for the children in my care. 

I decided to become a foster carer because I’ve always loved children and in a different life, perhaps I would have had some of my own. Being the kind of person who creatively problem solves, I started to explore alternatives and respite fostering seemed a good fit. 

The first phone call

The night of my first placement, I was woken with a call from the on duty social worker, saying that they had two girls at the police station and were struggling to find a place for them and was I available? After getting over the shock (I’m from Johannesburg and getting a call in the dead of night can be really bad sign), I jumped out of bed and frantically started working through my mental list of preparations ahead of the girls arriving.  

They were lovely.  I could not have asked for a better first placement. I was worried they would sense my nervousness but in reality they were consumed by the events that happened to them that night that led them to my house. They arrived with nothing, many hours since they had last eaten and were very anxious. They asked a lot of question, many of which I couldn’t answer, but I hope it was helpful for them to have someone to talk to.  

It's a learning process

I learnt a lot from that first placement. In truth, just before panel I had a wobble and wondered if I was doing the right thing - if I could be what these children need during an emotional and uncertain time. After that night, I was sure I’d made the right decision and while I don’t have the experience of those that have their own children, I’d like to think that providing a caring home was enough for those few days. I also like to think that I provided them with a different perspective - a single woman, with a good career, who also came from not very much and through hard work and independence managed to make a good life, a nice home and the ability to care for others.

I’d say the girls learnt a lot too. That night, their world changed, and they went from the home they knew to a new life, a new area and with new people.  I’m still occasionally in touch with the girls. They text every now and again, to let me know how they are doing. They are doing so well and have been so resilient and strong.  I think the attachment is stronger because I was the first face of fostering for them. And they, for the same reason, will always have a special place in my heart. 

Things I learnt from my first placement:

Have bread in the house:  carbs have been my enemy for so long but it would have been better to have beans on toast that night.  Instead I made do with what was available, and on reflection pasta with prawns and chorizo was not a great idea! The youngest held up a prawn on her fork and asked me if it was an insect. Child-friendly food is now always available in my house.

Don’t send children to bed on giant cups of hot chocolate:  I don’t know what I was thinking?! I must have watched too many American movies. All that sugar, all that liquid. Fail. 

Let the children help write up their inventory:  A few days after the girls arrived, the police brought their belongings. I made dinner while girls wrote their inventory lists.  I got the feeling that the activity calmed them somewhat, gave them a focus and it worked well to be in the same room doing independent activities. 

What a pastoral carer is:  I’d never heard the term before.  When I dropped the girls off at school on Monday, I went in to speak to the head teacher to let her know what had happened at the weekend, she suggested a meeting with their pastoral carers; it was a bit embarrassing to admit I didn’t know what that was.

That being a foster carer is more rewarding than I could have imagined:  That the girls are still in touch with me suggests I’ve made impact, that I matter to them, and that I helped.