The power of words: How the right language can help children thrive

“If this is what my mother thinks about me, then what is the point of me being alive”. Although shocking, this question put to me by a 15 year old girl revealed what had become an all too familiar reality in my work as a coach and mentor for young people.

Hundreds of clients I’d worked with had been so deeply impacted by the words they’d heard growing up that many questioned their own potential and, for some, their sheer existence.

Think about what was said to you when you were growing up, the words or phrases that you heard from adults in your life. You can probably still remember the things that encouraged and inspired you, and even more vividly the cruel, demeaning words that might have knocked you down?

Words matter. They stick. They last a lifetime. Their impact shapes who we are and who we become.

Verbal abuse of children can take many forms such as blaming, insulting, belittling, ridiculing, criticising, name-calling or threatening a child, and can be a significant cause of early trauma for many children, particularly those who are subsequently placed in care.

It is not just about shouting and screaming; verbal abuse can also be quiet, insidious and subtle. Tone, volume and facial expression all play a part.

There has been substantial research demonstrating the negative effect of verbal abuse on children by adults. Words Matter’s research with over 1,000 children revealed that experiencing toxic language from adults can leave them feeling sad, low in confidence, depressed, doubting themselves, anxious, isolated and frightened. Research by Harvard University has revealed that verbal abuse can be as damaging as physical and sexual abuse. Other studies have shown that children who are verbally abused by adults can have the same level of trauma as soldiers who returned from the Iraq war with PTSD.

Without help, the harm caused by verbal abuse can lead to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, substance abuse, self-harm and even suicidal behaviours. Over time, verbal abuse can act like a toxic stress on a child, derailing their physical and emotional development and inflicting lasting trauma.

How can we use language to give children confidence and help them thrive?

All children need compassion, connection, acceptance and love. They need consistency and positive, supportive words to develop trust and emotional security. A child’s belief in who they are is formed by the opinions of their parents, caregivers and adults in positions of power. When these adults treat them with respect, they learn not only to respect themselves, but also others.

By using language in a positive way we can help children to build their self-confidence, grow their self-esteem and to create a sense of identity. Research by Words Matter with children showed the huge power of encouraging words on a child’s feelings about themselves.

Its study on over 1,000 children revealed that the top five most helpful and encouraging words we can say to children and young people are:

1. ‘I am proud of you’

2. ‘You can do it’

3. ‘I believe in you’

4. ‘I’m here for you’

5. ‘It’s OK to make mistakes, you can learn from them’

Nearly two thirds of children say hearing these words and phrases made them feel encouraged, happy, good about themselves, loved/liked, and confident.

Studies have highlighted that an important resilience factor for children is the presence of a warm, nurturing relationship with a parent, caregiver, or other adult and that regardless of exposure to adverse childhood relationships, children who have at least one positive, committed adult-child relationship are less likely to experience depression, anxiety and perceived stress later in life.

Helpful tips to build children up

Here are five practical tips for communicating with children to build them up and help them thrive.

1. Be a role model

As adults, we’re role models for children and have a major influence on their development and how they communicate. Encouraging words can build up their confidence, develop their self-esteem and help them feel valued and connected. Abusive, dismissive, or belittling words or attitudes are likely to do the opposite.

Talk to children in a calm, kind, respectful tone. If we respect children, they respect themselves and others.

Give children your full attention and try not to interrupt when they are talking.

2. Set expectations

Whenever you spend time with children and want them to do something, give them really clear instructions and set specific expectations in language they can understand and that’s right for their age and stage of development. Children want to do the best they can. Compassionate and reassuring language, and recognising and appreciating that everyone is different, will help them feel safe, supported, accepted and loved.

3. Focus on positives

We all want to know when we have done well, and to understand why. Give children compliments and praise whenever you can and explain in detail why you’re impressed with them. This shows them that you really see them and value what they have achieved.

It is important not to criticise them as a person. When you’re addressing a problem, explain that it’s the behaviour you don’t like, not them as an individual.

4. Stop, breathe, think, speak

If you’re feeling angry and agitated, or experiencing challenging emotions yourself, try to pause and think about what you’re going to say. Stop, breathe, step away if you need to, and think before you speak.

Be aware of your body language too. For example, avoid standing over a child, as this can intimidate them, so get down to their level and communicate eye to eye.

5. Repair

It’s never too late to put things right. When you recognise that you’ve maybe said something that could be hurtful to a child, take time to have a chat with them and say sorry. Encourage them to talk about how they’re feeling and make a fresh start together.

Words Matter has created a suite of useful resources for adults in children’s lives that are available on our website at www.wordsmatter.org.